I know this is not travel related. But please allow me to let my emotions out.

 

The day I understood grief was the day when my father passed away.

I lost 3 of my grandparents years ago. It was sad, and I miss them.

But believe me, losing a parent hits different.

Grief. Funny how it took 30 years for me to fully understand this one single word.

In fact, I rarely say condolences to other people who lost someone.

Perhaps, I don’t really understand what it means.

I only know it’s sad, but I do not know how it pains the deepest part of your soul.

Grief.

Something that your mind alone wouldn’t be able to grasp.

Something you will not comprehend by taking it’s definition, nor by research, not even by other people’s experiences.

You have to let yourself go through it to know what it is.

You need to feel it and see for yourself.

That’s why no one’s ready for it.

There’s no training.

There’s no curriculum.

You cannot prepare yourself for it.

You cannot study it, you can only experience it.

And this is the hardest part:

You can hide it, but you definitely cannot escape from it.

Even Jesus Himself wasn’t exempted [John 11:35].

You cannot comfort another grieving person if you haven’t experienced it yourself.

 

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My Graduation Day, May 15, 2012

 

May 15, 2022 – this marks the day of my enlightenment.

It’s when my father, who was a stroke patient for 8 full years, left the earth to be with the Lord.

He is a responsible, sweet, faithful, and loving father.

He is not perfect, but he is the best Dad for me.

I will never forget all his sacrifices for us.

All his jokes, his laughter, his love for music and delicious food, his intelligence, his bubbly personality.

I miss him like I haven’t seen him in a million years.

 

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I was the last one he saw before he was taken from the emergency room.

I was also the first one who saw him after he died.

And this is the most heartbreaking part for me.

In the morgue, I was ordered to confirm if the corpse is correct (as per protocol).

It hurts so much to see him inside a black bag on a stretcher, lifeless.

I was the only one who saw him dead, without make up and barong and all the flowers around.

I was the only one who saw him when he was not looking like he’s just sleeping.

His battle from the illness was really evident.

Gosh, I hate this. I won’t be able to erase that sight from my memory, ever.

It made the pain amplify a thousand fold.

 

 

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I may be grieving now and I don’t know when it will end.

But what I do know is that God will walk me through.

Because I know He knows how it feels.

Because I know He experienced it Himself.

The people around me may not fully comprehend.

But I find comfort in knowing that God understands everything.

He knows.

Because He Himself came down to earth to experience every hardship, every emotion.

He’s not a god just sitting comfortably on His throne.

It was Him giving us a promise that He understands everything.

And that there’s an end in every pain.

Because no matter how hard life could get, there’s still a promise of a sorrow-free eternity with Him.

Where there’s no more pain, no more suffering.

And that is only through Christ, our only hope.

The God who made the heavens and the earth.

Our Heavenly Father who watches over us.

 

As a person who’s always easily misunderstood, I find comfort in the fact that my God knows how I feel.

And that He understands what I’m going through.

 

Mahal kita Dadi ko. Magkikita pa tayo muli.

 

 



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Dea Mariano

About Author

Hi, I'm Dea! A traveler who loves good food and an electronics engineer based in PH. I like creating itineraries and daydreaming about the places. As weird as it might sound, I find the planning part as enjoyable as the trip itself. I love sunsets, beaches, and staycation trips. And I'm a worshipper of Godβ€”the source of my everything! I once wandered aimlessly in life, until Jesus found me! Now, I just wander around wonderful places as I marvel at His creation ❀️

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6 Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing this vulnerable and raw experience to us, Dea. It made me understand grief more. I hope you heal, continue to heal.

  2. I’m so sorry to hear this Dea. This is the first post I’ve read from your blog actually, and it made me tear up, a lot… I’ve just said a short prayer for you… May you find some comfort knowing that he will feel no more pain. Hugs to you from Singapore. — Amor

  3. Sorry for your Loss. Been There. The pain keeps striking us at anytime. Just think that no more pain for him. God Bless

    1. Thank you. Yes, it really does. Sometimes I think I’ve already accepted what happened, but sometimes I don’t. I guess it’s part of the process. God bless you too.

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